And Heaven Forbid They See You Cry
by Hollyleaf The Black Cat
Summary: Tears are a weakness and Kylo Ren refuses to be weak.


**Author's Note:** This was originally posted on my AO3 on December 20. It was a gift for my friend and favorite author on there, plinys, because we were discussing our Solo family feels and then this fic idea came to me when she mentioned how when Kylo/Ben starts to tear up and you kinda think Han can bring him back...then sadly he can't. Hope you all enjoy!

* * *

Tears are a weakness and Kylo Ren refuses to be weak. Therefore, he refuses to cry. However the human body sometimes refuses to listen to the mind. Perhaps, that why he can't help but shed a few tears as he looks at the man before him.

As he looks at his father, Han Solo.

Kylo, or rather Ben as his father had just shouted out to him, believed that when he looked at his man he would feel nothing but seeing him only makes his mind fight itself even more. He's been feeling the pulls of both the light and the dark sides and the pain is too much.

"I feel like I'm being torn apart," he whispers. _And it hurts_.

 **XXXXXXX**

"Waah! Waah! Mommy!" yells a young Ben Solo. He knows his mother can't hear him but for some reason he knows she'll come to him. She always knows just when to come to him when he's hurt or scared. Perhaps, it's just a mother's intuition.

It will be a few more years before Ben understands anything about the Force and how this is more than just a mother's intuition. Leia Organa can't hear his shouts from inside the operations room but she can feel that he's in pain. Their connection through the Force is stronger than even hers to Luke is so she's quickly out the door and to her son's side.

"What's wrong, my precious?" she asks as she sits down on the pavement beside him. She notices the scrapes on his hands and the dirt on his pants and it's not hard to piece together. "Were you running around here like I specifically told you not to?"

Ben just nods in defeat as he sniffles.

Leia lets out a sigh. "I've told you time and time again not to be running around the flight deck because it could be dangerous. An X-wing could be leaving or the pilots might be rushing to their fighters and you get caught up in the chaos."

"I know, Mommy, but this was important. It was the only way I could smuggle my cargo out."

Leia looks at him confused and then noticed the pile of random objects scattered on the ground around him. Nuts, bolts, wires, rocks, shiny pieces of broken metal. "Is that your cargo?"

Ben nods and then more tears start welling up in his eyes. "But now it won't get where it needs to be. Daddy says he never lost any of his cargo."

Leia just shakes her head. Of course, Han has been filling his son's head with grand tales of his smuggling days. With a sigh, Leia scoops up her son's "cargo" and places it in his hands. He looks up at her and that's when she slowly wipes his tears away. "Your father lost plenty of cargo. In fact he'd had bounties on his head because of it. But.." her voice softens as nostalgia takes over, "there was one time if he hadn't lost his cargo we'd probably have never even meet. Ask your father to tell you that story sometime."

Suddenly, there is a whooshing sound from above them. _Speak of the devil._ Leia thinks with a smile when she sees the Millennium Falcon flying overhead.

Then, in a complete one-eighty, Ben is wiping his eyes and smiling ear to ear. "Daddy's back! I've got to go see him!"

So off he runs toward where he knows the Falcon is landing and Leia just follows behind watching him. If there is one thing she knows it's that Ben never wants to cry in front of Han. Like most little boys, they have to be tough in front of their fathers.

 **XXXXXXX**

Kylo feels anything but tough at the moment. The pain in his head is killing him and he's begging for it to stop. He just wants to get out of here. Away from this pain and his father who is causing it.

"We can help you, Ben. Come back with us. We want you back," says Han as he starts approaching him.

Kylo lets out a bitter laugh on the inside. _Then why did you let me go?_

 **XXXXXXX**

The first time it happens it scares him to the point of crying. He's never felt such a powerful sensation and as he stares at the damage he's done he's not sure he wants to again.

Leia can feel the disturbance in the Force and the banging in her son's room and rushes to him. When she arrives in the doorway she can see his desk broken against a now dented wall. She stares at it in disbelief until Ben notices her there and begins frantically explaining what happened.

"Mom it-it was an accident I-I swear. I-I was just studying and-and there was a problem that was getting me frustrated and I just got-got mad and I pushed myself back and then it just pushed the-the desk into the wall. I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm-"

His repetition of "I'm sorry" just becomes gibberish as he starts crying again. Leia gets on her knees in front of her, which actually makes her shorter than her now 10 year old son, and pulls him into a hug. "It's ok, Ben. It's ok."

"Mom, is something wrong with me?" he asks.

Leia shakes her head. "No, my precious, no. You're ok. It's just the Force."

Ben leans back and looks at her confused. "The Force? You mean what Jedi's have? What Uncle Luke has?"

Leia nods. "Yes, what Uncle Luke has."

"Is-is it supposed to feel scary like that?"

Leia doesn't know how to respond. She's never seen such power out of the Force and for it to manifest so strongly when Ben got angry has her a little worried.

Suddenly, there is a shout from the door. "Guess who's home?!"

Ben gives one last sniffle to hide the fact that he's been crying as Leia stands up when she hears Han coming down the hall.

He pokes his head in the door. "What's everyone doing in here?" Then he notices the desk and wall. "What happened in here?"

He looks at Ben then at Leia who gently takes his arm. "Han, we need to discuss something."

It's about a year, and many more tantrums, later before they send Ben off to train with Luke. No one cries when it happens; they all just hug and wave goodbye to each other. But when Ben is alone that first night he lets the tears flow. Sadly, Leia's not there to wipe them away.

Eventually those tears change from tears of sadness to tears of anger. Anger that only fuels his embrace of the Dark Side.

 **XXXXXXX**

Right now Kylo's teetering between anger and hope, dark and light. Han approaches him and suddenly he's right within the reach of his blade.

Snoke asked if the fact that he might have to kill Han would affect him. Kylo had said 'no' but now, looking into his father's eyes, he's wavering.

He feels weak. He can't be weak.

 **XXXXXXX**

"You're weak, Ren," says Snoke as he observes the man in front of him. They're in a mock fight and Kylo has yet to come close to actually hitting him.

"Then show me how to be strong, Supreme Leader," he pleads.

Snoke just laughs. "You'll always be weak, Ren. A weak, worthless coward like your father."

Suddenly, Kylo can feel his energy coming back as his anger builds. "What did you say?!"

"Come on, Ren. You know your father is weak and he weakens those around him. Think about your mother. Can you not feel her loneliness, her sadness, her weakness? You father causes that. And the light within him has helped to weaken you. He is the reason you will never be as strong as your grandfather, the reason you will never know the Dark Side like Darth Vader. And you know that don't you, _Ben Solo_?"

It's with that that Kylo snaps. He draws his blade and begins battering against Snoke. "Ben Solo is dead! I am Kylo Ren and I'm nothing like my father! I belong to the Dark Side! I'm stronger than my grandfather! I am strong!"

Kylo can feel every bit of pent up hatred flowing through him, strengthening him. The tantrum is exactly what he needs during this training. The only problem is that he's so mad that he's starting to cry and it's making everything too hard to see through the mask. Everything just becomes a wet blur of colors.

When the mock battle ends Snoke will tell him how that hatred is what he wants to see but he also says Kylo will have to learn to control how he shows it.

"Hatred is a flame, don't let your tears put it out."

 **XXXXXXX**

Suddenly the hate is back, the dark side is winning, and Kylo decides that this man is a weakness, holding him back from his true strength.

"I know what I have to do now," he says, looking at his father. "Thank you."

Then his lightsaber goes right through Han. Han gives him a look of shock and he can hear the gasps and screams of everyone in the room.

He's waiting for his father to say something, to tell him how he hates him, how dark he's become, how he can't be saved, how he's no longer Ben. Anything to reassure him he's made the right decision.

Instead Han does something Kylo doesn't expect. He brushes away a single tear that lingered on Kylo's cheek. The act is so loving and Kylo can feel the light side calling him again. But he refuses to embrace it and quickly tosses his father's body off the bridge.

 **XXXXXXX**

Laying in an infirmary, after a brutal battle, Kylo stares up at the ceiling, thinking back over all that had happened.

He gently touches the scar on his face and it's as if he can feel his father's calloused fingers against his cheek like some kind of phantom pain.

Kylo had never cried in front of his father. As a kid he always wanted to be a tough guy cause to him Han was a tough guy. Leia was always the one to comfort him, no one else.

So why does the feel of Han's fingers brushing tears away feel so familiar?

 **XXXXXXX**

Han knows that babies cry a lot but he really wished that they wouldn't do it at 2 in the morning.

Han stares up at the ceiling as he tries to get himself awake. It's his turn to handle it.

A groggy Leia then rolls over and whispers in his ear. "It's your turn."

"I know," begins Han, "But he likes you better."

"Han, I dealt with him all day. I'm not getting up again," begins Leia, "It's your turn."

Han sighs in defeat before giving her a kiss on the head. "Yes, your Highness."

She just smiles and shakes her head as he hops out of bed and heads toward Ben's room.

The closer Han gets the louder the crying gets. "I'm coming, I'm coming," he mumbles to himself as he walks in the door. He immediately notices Ben wriggling around, his eyes squeezed tight, little tears coming out of them.

Han sighs as he leans over and pulls the screaming baby out of his crib. "Shh, Benny, shh. Daddy's here. I've got you, Ben."

Then slowly as Han began rocking him, Ben quieted down and stared up at his father, his brown eyes now red from the tears.

Han smiles softly as he gently rubs the tears off of Ben's chubby cheeks. "You're my tough little boy, Ben. You're everything me and your mother ever dreamed of and we're always here for you. So don't cry anymore, ok?"

Ben obviously can't respond but Han took the quiet as an "ok." So, he lays Ben back in his crib and stands beside him until he falls back asleep.

Before he heads back to his own bed, Han can't help but give his son one last loving look. Never in his life would he have imagined all of this. Marrying Leia, fathering Ben, having the life that so many only dreamed of.

A few tears of happiness well up in his eyes.

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Reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated! ;D


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